I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
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