my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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