the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
