I don't usually arrange sex via text message
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
