doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
