did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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