if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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