She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
