i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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