I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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