I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
