The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
