you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
