I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
