So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
