i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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