I just threw up on my dentist
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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