I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
