He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
