my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you inspire me to be a worse person
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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