these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
