just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
