If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
