When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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