The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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