So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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