Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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