I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
we're so committed to being not committed
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