You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
