So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
