I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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