tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Enjoy the penises
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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