You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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