I accidentally had phone sex last night
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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