Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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