Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
