I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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