brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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