i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
