Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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