God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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