My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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