I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
