Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
