he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
