I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
