I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
