I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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