The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
