the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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